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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Huge if true.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.