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Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
my favorite gender
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
As a doctor, I can confirm
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
White Castle for the Win
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”