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[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
There’s never enough good news
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
S/o to @funTweeters .
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.