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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I bet
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Otters drive ottermobiles.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.