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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission