You Might Also Like
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
*puts cutlery down*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played