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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Festive toon…
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?