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I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”