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The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Can. I. Help. You.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*