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“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet