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Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
😂😂😂
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*