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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.