You Might Also Like
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.