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To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”