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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land