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[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
“That’s so cool,” she lied.