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At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
john wicks are toilet candles
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.