You Might Also Like
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.