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Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Cat is stressing him out.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Bootstraps
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
The future is now.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.