You Might Also Like
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”