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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
sigh
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
my first dose meeting my second