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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself