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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
🎵 I can’t wait to
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.