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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.