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6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success