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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
dam girl
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!