You Might Also Like
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir