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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I love you…
…r dog.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.