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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself