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Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.