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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.