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Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.