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replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
There’s always that one guy
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
True story 🤣
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
she has a point
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.