You Might Also Like
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.