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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.