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I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’