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ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
☠️☠️☠️
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
💁🏻♂️
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: