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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Me in tagged photos
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.