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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Poetry is my passion
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.