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Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
bias laundering edition
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07