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A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound