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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.