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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Meat Cute
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.