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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs