You Might Also Like
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
me after i passed that state trooper
If a snake ate a cake
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.