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me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
and now we wait
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.