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4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My support group can outdrink your support group.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!