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My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”