You Might Also Like
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Me irl
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
New Tinder profile.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”