You Might Also Like
Very good! 👍😂
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Super Hand Dog Face
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
🤣🤣🤣
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?