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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
get you a girl who
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My humor is broken
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.