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WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
what the hell girl, sure
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]