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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Finally!
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Free him
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest