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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds