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If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I put the h in mysterious.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.