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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.