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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Thursday
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.