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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.