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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”