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Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert