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me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
Managing expectations
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!