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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
some things should go without saying
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them