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[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me