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I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Hero horse inspires millions
