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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Always leave them wanting their money back.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point