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I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
see you in hell you stupid fruit
he looks great for his age
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.