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Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
selfie game
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up