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Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
How do I get a job writing these texts
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war