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[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.