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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
A Match(.com), but for socks.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.