You Might Also Like
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
man i love columbo
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.