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I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *