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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
The struggle is real.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”