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Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.