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Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
felt that
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
they really do be looking like this
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.