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8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”