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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
back to work
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I love it all
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.