man: wait
time: no
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
HOW DARE YOU
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.