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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.