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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
weddings should have a worst man
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Bobby pin
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀