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philosophical skeletons be like
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot