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Genius.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.