WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: My experiences with you lead to an increase in dopamine and oxytocin as well
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Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
“The powder |
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”
– The AutocorrExorcist
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[reading an e-book]
[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Beer:”You know what would be funny?”
Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”