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@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

@ASmallFiction

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

@JasonLastname

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

@KeetPotato

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

@BobTheSuit

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool