ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do…
The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import)
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.