So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
why would tinder want me to say this
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.