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if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
😏😏😏
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.